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Progress Not Perfection

January 1, 2018


“Praise The Lord.

How good it is to sing praises to our God,

how pleasant and fitting to praise Him!

The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel.  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  Psalm 147: 1-3

I have just recently come to understand once again that verse three is about me.  In the last 17 years I have been like Jerusalem, once a mighty and great city, but then battle ravaged and broken down.  My mind, emotions, hopes and dreams scattered and exiled by the war, for my soul, that is the nightmare called PTSD.  However, now The Lord is rebuilding me and I am regaining all that was thought lost forever.  My mind is still a battlefield, but The Lord has sent reinforcements and day by day He is helping me to win the battles and move forward into a more abundant life in Christ.

Most of all He is healing my broken heart.  Most of my relationships, that I thought were totally lost due to my harsh words and actions during the hellish flashbacks are being restored.  Some in full, some in part, but progress is most certain.  Perhaps most of all Jesus is repairing how I judge and view myself.  Because of all this I am truly experiencing His extremely wide grace and deep, deep love in a way I have never even imagined before.  The person I am today, I dare to say, is even better than my pre-PTSD self.  Because of my affliction I now know what true humility, love, mercy and grace really are, because I NEED to live in them each and every day that I breathe now.

As far as Jesus binding up my wounds progress has been difficult because my wounds are internal and not obvious.  Having been brutally abused sexually, emotionally, physically and verbally by my earthly father from ages four to eleven leaves very deep and damaging wounds on one’s soul.  I certainly now have the utmost compassion for those suffering from any sort of depression or mental illness.  Band aids, stitches, medication and braces all fall way short of addressing the wounds one suffers on the inside.  Sure effective psychotherapy and an empathetic counselor helps some, but only The Great Counselor can truly address and begin to heal the wounds that lie within.

Today I am even able to embrace my affliction because it took me to places and people who were in desperate need of a touch from The Lord.  In fact, I now look back at my numerous psychiatric hospitalizations as missions trips.  The fruit from these “trips” is undeniable.  I have prayed with dozens of lost souls who now are no longer lost, but now found in Christ..

Today I want to thank those who have loved and prayed me through this process of healing and restoration.  Without you I could have never made it this far.  So to friends, family, old loves and new love I say thank you!  To those out there that still suffer I tell you that growth and healing are possible for you too.  So please do not give up?  “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”  2 Peter 3: 9

Love and …….

Kirk Out !

P.s.  I have not had a major PTSD “episode” in over 53 months now.  I still have the occasional flashback, but nothing I can’t manage or work through with my Lord.  Plus my medications have been cut back 60% over the last twelve months and I am feeling great.  Thank Jesus for this wonderful progress!

P.s.s.  PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder





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  1. Thank you for sharing your life so openly. It is so encouraging to others like me. I haven’t been through anything like what you have and so find it hard to imagine the pain you went through, but I’m being stripped down to the bare bones on the material level and having to learn to depend on my Lord each day, each month, for His provision, and your posts are helping me in my faith. Bless you.

    • Thank you Jem. The reason HE calls me to be so open is to help folks like you and others.

  2. Sue permalink

    It’s Obvious the Lord has used u in many people’s lives…..I’m thankful he’s been so true to you, too. Amazing grace that we are not only not left alone, but he graciously leads us to living water of himself! A bountiful supply ad you testify! May we have eyes to see the Blessings in 2018😘

    • Sue, once again you are so encouraging. It is definitley a gift you have and use well.

  3. "BK" permalink

    Wow, I am still blindsided by the surge of emotion that flows over me every time I read of your healing. I admit to just starting to cry when I read your first PS. Thankful tears, deep because the pain of the walk out of hell has been so very real. 53 months. Think of it. 53 months! Shaking my head and praising the Lord in thankfulness! \0/ Hallelujah. Love, “BK”

    • BK, your support, prayers and encouragement have contributed greatly to my ongoing recovery. Thank you very much!

  4. I KNEW there was something we had in common! I praise God for His grace and mercy and glorious restoration in your life. These “thorns in the flesh” (I think of Paul, who prayed to God to remove it three times and God said “My grace is sufficient.”) are unbearable alone, more bearable with the world’s most compassionate counselors, but only completely redeemable by our Lord. I can see He has done a mighty work in you because of this.

    Thank you for sharing, and you will now enter my prayers daily, as I believe this is a message a very wounded world is waiting to hear.

    I praise God as well for redeeming me from the fallout of Complex PTSD from the same brutal sort of sexual and spiritual and mental/emotional abuse I received from 3 out of 4 of my family members from birth to age 19 when I finally escaped. They were “church” Christians, and they dragged us to a different church every single night. This was not helpful but rather quite harmful, as I grew to believe God was like them, and sadly, in their fallen state, that was exactly what my parents wanted me to believe.

    But praise God, because that was not the end of my story either. I have also been relieved of the vast majority of my symptoms and cut down to the lowest level of one medication possible without crumbling it.

    God is with the downhearted, they who mourn, they who see this world as not their home. We qualify!

    • Thank you for sharing my sibling in Christ. Yes, we have much in common. Thank you for your prayers. I am praying for you too!

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