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Walking The Beach With Mom Again

March 1, 2017


“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God.  Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”  Hebrews 12: 1-3

Last week while in sunny Florida I spent a lot of time walking on the beach where we spread my Mother’s ashes over fourteen years ago.  Now I don’t believe that we can have conversations with the dead, but I do believe that remembering them can give us much solace.  My Mom and I used to walk Green Key beach, hand in hand, often when I was ages 4-11.  I remember her touch, smile, hair and our encouraging conversations.

During the last several years I have learned from The Lord the power of positive memories.  Having PTSD these last 18 years I have been flooded with negative flashbacks and memories on numerous occasions.  They have been so over-powering at times that they even led me to be suicidal quite often.

Recently, Jesus has been leading me to recapture the good and positive memories of my childhood. PTSD made me re-live brutal abuse and rapes by my father from ages 4-11.  These horrific memories filled almost all of my days and nights with pain and terror.  Now that is all changing as I allow myself to embrace and remember the excellent times I also had during my childhood.  Now The Lord is using the fantastic moments of my youth to counter balance the scales of my life.  In the past I found trying to recall these fond moments nearly impossible due to the sheer weight and volume of the horrific flashbacks.  However, now Jesus has granted me much abundant grace and freedom in recalling the wonderful days of my youth.

I believe that now my Mom is a member of the great cloud of witnesses that I am engulfed and surrounded by.  Now I am throwing off the negative memories that have hindered me for the last 18 years and I am also no longer giving in to the sin of ungodly inner rage, self loathing and anger that had me entangled for so long.  My eyes are now totally fixed on Jesus and because of that I am no longer growing weary or losing heart.  Jesus endured opposition from sinful men as I have endured opposition from my earthly father and the enemy.

I fully embrace the current freedom I am experiencing and I am just loving being able to recall the great times of my youth.  I was in chains to the flashbacks, but now I am free.  When the enemy comes against me now in my mind I just recall and re-live the walks on the beach with my loving, gracious and wonderful Mom.  I thank the Lord for granting me the liberty to replace my destructive past with a loving and productive one.  Now when the flashbacks hit, I just close my eyes and all of sudden I am there with my Mom on that beach and more amazing than that Jesus is there hand in hand with me and my Mom too.  Such a simple revelation and I just hope and pray that someday everyone out there reading this can be set free from any part of their past that holds them back in this life also.

Love and ….

Kirk Out !





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  1. Judy Baker permalink

    I am so happy you can remember the wonderful times and fill your mind with good things … as we all should more n more …
    When I am sad , I count my blessings and the good outweighs the bad . I remember the scriptures say the same thing …let not a bad thought enter .. another 2 Timothy 1:13 Keep holding the pattern of healthful words that you heard from me with the faith and love that are in connection with Christ Jesus.
    Have a great day . I have too much to do .. lol

    • Thank you Judy, you encourage me.

      • Sue heumann permalink

        Christopher, though my past was mostly wonderful as a child, there are times now that I get tempted to withdraw and get self absorbed with wishful thinking…..that is NOT helpful, and the past, the fantastic childhood memories still DO bring a smile and a thankful and grateful heart to being encouragement to today. Memories can be a gift, and I’m learning to use these as such, but yet not live IN the past! God just has it all figured out. Knows our needs, and as we meditate on Him and His ways and even wait on him, he gives us lights for our way.👣❤️ Thankful for YOUR great memories, too!

      • I hear you Sue! We need to live in the now. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Suzy Crees permalink

    Such a touching testimony!

  3. Duane Lindsey permalink

    I am so glad you have a faith and know that God sees you with out any sin. Memories are not who make you, we both know that. Jesus is our all in all. All that matters and all that needs to matter. You do too much good to ever HAVE to worry about anything else. The reason I know that is that I know your heart is for God and the greater glory that awaits.

  4. Rich Chamberlin permalink

    Surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and Jesus the author and perFector of our faith!- YES 5

  5. CatherineS permalink

    Praying that the Lord redeems ALL your memories, so that the traumatic ones lose their power over you, and that the power and light of God overshadows them.

  6. "BK" permalink

    This post made my heart sing, sing, SING! We are presently in Amarillo with Chris & Michelle and what you say here about bringing your thoughts to the POSITIVE was exactly what Michelle was sharing with us last night about how she is learning that and what a difference it made in her life. I was more fortunate with the handling of ‘memories’ of my childhood because I just asked God at a very young age to just wipe out all the memories and He apparantly did that. I can still remember the night in 1999 in Alaska when He woke me in the middle of the night, flooding me with WONDERFUL, long forgotten memories….just like you say. I was so amazed. There WERE good things that happened! Then He took it a step further and told me I needed to call my Dad (who by now had just come to Jesus and was truely a transformed man) and tell him he was a good father. I questioned Him…..seriously!?????? The He showed me a look into my father’s heart back then and I saw it in a whole new perspective….one of mercy. When I called him the next day he argued with me, listing all the things that refuted such a statement. I was able to tell him it was God Who said it so he’d have to argue with Him! 🙂 He recalled that conversation to people and what it meant to him many times before he finally passed away. There is power in HIS reality and you are a living testimony to that.
    Love, “BK”

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