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When I First Saw Jesus

January 20, 2017


My earliest memory of Jesus was when I was four years old.  We were at a campground in Pennsylvania and I wandered off into the woods and got lost.  After about an hour in the woods I was crying and very upset that I could not find my way back to our trailer.  Then I just cried out “God please help me?”  Soon after that a man in a white robe with a beard and long hair appeared in the distance and He motioned that I follow Him.  Minutes later I was out of the woods and the man was gone.

A few days later I was alone with my earthly father in our trailer.  He told me to take off my clothes and to strip naked.  This is my first memory of being molested and sexually abused.  However, while my father was abusing me the man who led me out of the woods just days before appeared in the room.  He told me that He loved me and that I was going to be alright and not to worry about what my father was doing to me.

There are at least a dozen other times that I remember being raped and abused by my father and his cousins between the ages of 4 and 11.  And every time the man in the white robe was there reassuring me that I would be alright, speaking words of love, comfort and peace to me.  There were other times while I was alone that this man came to me and told me of faith, hope, love, relationship and fellowship.  At the time I did not understand all what He was telling me.

Having never been to a church building in my youth it was not until I was 12 that I came to understand that the man in the white robe was Jesus.  Soon after I came to that realization I encountered my very first Gideon’s New Testament bible and all the things that I read in there confirmed the very things that Jesus had been speaking to me all those years.  In my teens I tried to find the rich fellowship and love that Jesus had shared with me at many different church buildings and among many congregations, but I never could find it among any of them.  Some of the songs were nice, but the sermons and the service were not at all like what Jesus had revealed to me as authentic and real.  I searched and searched for HIS pulse within these so called fellowships, but all I could discern there was the heartbeat and traditions of “man”.  Eventually I came to understand that true fellowship was not to be found in any “church” building, no it was to be discovered totally outside of all the religious camps.

I share these things here today because I feel He wanted me to and recently my son asked me to share about the time I got lost in the woods.  Jesus said He would never leave or forsake me and in all these years He hasn’t.  For 18 years I have suffered from PTSD flashbacks of my being raped and abused, but until recently I saw only the abuse.  However, in the last several years when I have the flashbacks I actually see Jesus there with me now.   This, I believe, is a major breakthrough for me and those who love me.  When Jesus is there it takes all the terror away.

I just want to say to everyone that Jesus is always with you, whether you can see Him or not.  For those who believe, He is there to comfort and lead you.  If you are not yet a believer, He is there knocking on the door of your heart saying “Let ME in?”   He wants everyone to follow Him and He desires that we all be healed.  Today I choose to walk in His love and healing. He is THE Difference maker!  Turn to Him and He will accept, love and lead you; even outside of the traditional camps.

Love and …..

Kirk Out !

P.s.  I still have the occasional PTSD flashback, but I have not had a full blown PTSD episode in over three years.  Praise Jesus!










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  1. Winslow permalink

    Thanks Christopher for sharing your story. You are living proof that He never leaves any of us nor does He forsake us. A friend of mine wrote the following which seems to fit with what you are saying, or at least is what God seems to be doing in your life-restoring the years that have been lost:

    “The second chapter of Joel has long been a hope and a puzzlement to me on this topic of God’s healing power. There, the prophet proclaimed that God will “restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed” (Joel 2: 25-27, KJV). Since the Bible speaks in symbols, it seems clear to me that those pesky worms are a metaphor for all the troublemakers in our bodies, and in our lives, and the day will come when God will restore all they have destroyed.

    Notice first of all, that God sent them. Not the devil, not evil men, not vindictive rulers, but God Himself sent them. The prophet Joel had also foretold that after restoring what the worms had destroyed, God would pour out His Spirit on ALL people (See Joel 2:28). The writer of Acts repeated this promise, adding, “And he shall send Jesus Christ, which before was preached unto you: Whom the heaven must receive until the times of restitution of all things, which God hath spoken by the mouth of all his holy prophets since the world began” (Acts 3:20-21, KJV).

    There is coming a time when God will restore all that which the worms, figurative and otherwise have polluted, destroyed, and marred. There are those who say this refers to heaven when we die, but Paul’s comment to the Corinthian brethren, indicates that these promises are for us now, today: “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For while we live we are always being given up to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh” (II Corinthians 4:8-11…”



    • Thank you for sharing this Win, those passages are dear to me, especially the Joel passage.

  2. Sue heumann permalink

    It’s interesting to me that Christopher had Jesus with him alongside the trials of life …. Like the death of Jesus we carry and His life, too as Win said. So we have both if we have Jesus. The bible tells us not to be surprised when we encounter various trials here…now I’m reminded that thru them all death doesn’t triumph, Jesus and we do, because we always have him, his life, eternal. What tidings of comfort and joy!…..just as he promised!

    • That is right Sue, tidings of comfort and joy to get us through all the trials and circumstances we face in this life. That is Good News!

  3. tom ball permalink

    Powerful testimony, Chris. When I work with adult survivors of childhood abuse, this is exactly what so very often happens. We pray and ask Jesus to take the person into the hurtful memory He wants to heal today, and over and over the person reports seeing, hearing, or sensing Jesus’ presence. I tell the survivor to keep your eyes on Jesus and listen to Him, and then I simply ask Jesus questions about the situation. Over and over He brings understanding and healing and a greater closeness to Himself. Thank you, Chris, for sharing this testimony. Blessings on you, brother.

    • Thank you Tom. I share because I care for others who have been abused. Jesus makes all the difference.

  4. Sue heumann permalink

    This is so wonderful and powerful! His Spirit allows u now to see HIM in the story, Christopher!. Like what we want to see daily…..Him … every story! Wonderful, Tom, I didn’t know this about these situations…..seeing Jesus would make ALL the difference!

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