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Autumn Rains 2016 Update

October 30, 2016


Joel 2:23-26 (New International Version)

23 “Be glad, people of Zion,
rejoice in the Lord your God,
for he has given you the autumn rains
because he is faithful.
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before.
24 The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm[a]—
my great army that I sent among you.
26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the Lord your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.”

On October 24th 2013,  Catherine S. left the following comment on my blog “Fear No More”

“How wonderful to hear of Christ’s miracle in your life! As I read your post, I thought of Joel 2:23-26, and especially where the Lord says His people will be repaid “for the years the locusts have eaten.” I not only believe that God will continue in His faithfulness to heal you, but that the passage in Joel is a word for you.”

As I sit here three years later updating this blog post there are literally tears of gratitude and joy streaming down my cheeks again onto my very damp shirt.  Christ’s presence in my life is utterly undeniable and I am so very, very grateful.  This is my fourth straight October without a single PTSD episode in 17 years.  In fact I have been PTSD episode free for over 37 months now.  This freedom from flashbacks of brutal rapes and childhood sexual abuse is truly a miracle in my life and I praise Jesus for the peace that now floods my soul and mind.  I still have the occasional mild flashback, but they no longer cause me great distress and that is saying a lot; because in the last 17 years I have had nearly 50 psychiatric hospitalizations and several serious suicide attempts.

The Lord sent His autumn rains to cleanse and purify all of my fall memories.  I was four years old the first time I was molested and raped in a pile of autumn leaves and until Fall 2013 the beautiful fall foliage brought to my mind only excessive fear and terror. Today I am not afraid and can actually enjoy all the colors that this season brings.  Historically my November’s have been as challenging and difficult as my Octobers, but with all of this positive Spiritual momentum I feel like, with the help of Jesus and His Body, I can face any obstacles that the next month may bring.

The locusts have indeed eaten a good portion of my last 17 years of life.  Although in the last 5.5 years I have made significant progress in dealing with my childhood issues.  I now feel that every area of my life is in the process of complete restoration.  However, by my ex-wife’s choosing..our marriage is one thing that will not be restored.  I understand her choice and I am glad to report that we are getting along better now and that our relationship as ex’s is about as good as it can be at this point. Every other area of my life is going amazingly well.   Relationships with my children and friends are completely healed and GOD has placed my 17 year old daughter, Lydia, in my home for her last 2 years of High School.  I am also very close with my 4 grandchildren.  Kaden just turned 4, the twins Augustus and Annabelle just turned 18 months and Owen is now there and a half, and they all are very bright spots in my life.  I get to see all of them at least several times a month.  I am also extremely happy to report that God has placed a wonderful, beautiful woman in my life.  My relationship with Janet is unfolding and progressing nicely and we both acknowledge that Jesus has orchestrated our very deep connection.  We both definitely feel we have a great future together. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically I have never felt better in all my 54 years.

Jesus has always been with me from my earliest childhood memories, (HE was there holding and comforting me during the times of abuse) but now there is an intimacy and a closeness that has been lacking in recent years due to the flashbacks.  The relationship I now share with Jesus is more than worth having to go through 17 years of hell to obtain.  As I draw closer and closer to Him, He does not retreat, but presses even closer to me than I could ever imagine or explain with mere words. This relationship leads me to connect with others in the Body of Christ even deeper than ever before and also leads me to reach out to those yet to know Him in amazing ways.  Our times of fellowship together encourage us to press more and more into the fullness of His Truth in Love.  His mercy and grace carried me for 17 years and now all I want to do is carry His love, truth, mercy and grace to others who desperately need the touch of Christ in their lives  Thank you for that word Catherine.  It found roots in my heart and encouraged me greatly.  I know that the prayers of many have been sent out for me over the years and I appreciate every single one of them.  With the help of Jesus and His dear saints I can now stand upright and I am ready to be poured out for the sake of others now.  If Jesus could rescue and deliver me I know He can do it for anyone else too.  Don’t give up!  Sometimes it takes awhile (even 17 years), but you just might be His very next miracle deliverance.

Love and…..

Kirk Out !

P.s.  All that being said, I would still appreciate your prayers.  The past 10 days I haven’t got much sleep.  I am averaging about 4.5 hours a night.  I fall asleep fine, but get awakened by some fierce flashbacks/nightmares and then have great difficulty falling back to sleep.  I am certain this is just a speedbump, but I really need more sleep in order better function and cope.





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  1. "BK" permalink

    You can count on prayers here in the Northwest, Christopher. It has been a heart wrenching, glorious journey of extreme loss and extreme gain. I rejoice with you and continue to stand close in Spirit as you continue this journey. God bless you so much and deepest love flows to you, “BK”

    • Thank you so much BK for all your love and support all these years. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

  2. tom ball permalink

    Chris, I am so happy for you regarding the healing God is providing. I pray His blessings will more and more abound in your life. Keep the victory 🙂

  3. Sue heumann permalink

    I appreciate you and love u for all the time and faithfulness God has pared into you….to,share with others, this blog has truly encouraged me so many times! Praying and praising Jesus…….for you.

  4. janet permalink

    Christopher, you have such a great cloud of witnesses cheering you on! Now our races are alongside each other. I’m glad I can be a part of what Jesus is doing in your life, and I have to say this relationship has drawn out some things He wants to work on in me! Yet you deal with my flaws way better than I deal with yours! Sorry, babe!

    • Janet, thank you for sharing. You are a great source of love and encouragement to me and you are dealing just fine with my shortcomings. Iron sharpens iron babe.

  5. Duane permalink

    God’s blessing are evident Chris. I expect continued openness between you and the Spirit of God. I am sure this will result in even more out flowing from your life to others of Love and Healing. Also reminded of the verse in James 1:3-8 and (as for your bad dreams) 2 Corinthians 4:17-18.

  6. "BK" permalink

    This particularly touched me as I read because autumn was one of my major, most consistent prayers and benchmark I watched and hoped for. The day you would be able to actually enjoy what all of us find so extremely beautiful and what was torment to you. I cried when you first posted the first time you were able to enjoy the beauty of the autumn leaves. And then there was the painful divorce…..doing my best to love and stand by both you and Lori as best I could, being honest with each of you, standing as close in Spirit and love as I could. Again I have such thankfulness for Janet coming into your life; and for Lori’s finding her new life in the west…..God’s mercy and grace certainly is without bias. I also remember when you first read the Shack and began contemplating what it meant if Jesus indeed did also include your father, your abuser, in His salvation plan…..and your working through all that. The first time you had an episode and realized Jesus WAS there with you through it all, you saw Him. Wow, that one still sets me back on my heels. And so I rejoice with you tonite, Christopher. The love in my heart flows deeply for you and I treasure that the Lord has allowed our paths to be united for all these years. Much, much love to you, “BK”

    • BK, I am so glad that Jesus has connected us in the wonderful way HE has. Thank you for all your sincere prayers and encouragement over the years. Without them I would most certainly not be where I am in Spirit, heart and mind today. I love you BK!

  7. Sue heumann permalink

    The people of his body coming alongside one another…..beautiful👏…..the way that he loves……wow🙏😘 go God👍❤️

    • When the Body of Christ is allowed to function as Jesus intended it is a very beautiful and blessed thing indeed. In Christ we are fully capable to Love one another in most magnificent ways. The false “church” restrains and places tight controls on the Body, whereas the true church sets us free to serve and love others.

  8. I took some time to lift up your request, buddy! 🙂 — Scott

  9. Gary Zanow permalink

    praising God for the good report and the testimony of His continued work in and through your life! and praying for you, for continued daily challenges, some too intense for words. He doesn’t always take away the pain; but He stands there beside us, in the Autumn rain

    • Gary, thank you for speaking Truth and encouragement. You are also in my prayers brother.

  10. Ben H permalink

    What a great update! Amazing to hear how Christ is working in your life and continuing to reveal Himself to you. BTW, I’m a little confused – you said you had been flashback-free for 4 years but you mentioned having trouble sleeping because of flashbacks/nightmares.

    • Thank you Ben for your encouragement. To be clear I have not had a PTSD episode in over 3 years. So no severe, relentless, flashbacks during that time. I used to get lost in the flashbacks, now I am fully aware of when and where I am.

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