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Progress Not Perfection

August 19, 2016


“Praise The Lord.

How good it is to sing praises to our God,

how pleasant and fitting to praise Him!

The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel.  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  Psalm 147: 1-3

I have just recently come to understand once again that verse three is about me.  In the last 17 years I have been like Jerusalem, once a mighty and great city, but then battle ravaged and broken down.  My mind, emotions, hopes and dreams scattered and exiled by the war, for my soul, that is the nightmare called PTSD.  However, now The Lord is rebuilding me and I am regaining all that was thought lost forever.  My mind is still a battlefield, but The Lord has sent reinforcements and day by day He is helping me to win the battles and move forward into a more abundant life in Christ.

Most of all He is healing my broken heart.  Most of my relationships, that I thought were totally lost due to my harsh words and actions during the hellish flashbacks are being restored.  Some in full, some in part, but progress is most certain.  Perhaps most of all Jesus is repairing how I judge and view myself.  Because of all this I am truly experiencing His extremely wide grace and deep, deep love in a way I have never even imagined before.  The person I am today, I dare to say, is even better than my pre-PTSD self.  Because of my affliction I now know what true humility, love, mercy and grace really are, because I NEED to live in them each and every day that I breathe now.

As far as Jesus binding up my wounds progress has been difficult because my wounds are internal and not obvious.  Having been brutally abused sexually, emotionally, physically and verbally by my earthly father from ages four to eleven leaves very deep and damaging wounds on one’s soul.  I certainly now have the utmost compassion for those suffering from any sort of depression or mental illness.  Band aids, stitches, medication and braces all fall way short of addressing the wounds one suffers on the inside.  Sure effective psychotherapy and an empathetic counselor helps some, but only The Great Counselor can truly address and begin to heal the wounds that lie within.

Today I am even able to embrace my affliction because it took me to places and people who were in desperate need of a touch from The Lord.  In fact, I now look back at my numerous psychiatric hospitalizations as missions trips.  The fruit from these “trips” is undeniable.  I have prayed with dozens of lost souls who now are no longer lost, but now found in Christ..

Today I want to thank those who have loved and prayed me through this process of healing and restoration.  Without you I could have never made it this far.  So to friends, family, old loves and new love I say thank you!  To those out there that still suffer I tell you that growth and healing are possible for you too.  So please do not give up?  “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”  2 Peter 3: 9

Love and …….

Kirk Out !

P.s.  I have not had a major PTSD “episode” in over 36 months now.  I still have the occasional flashback, but nothing I can’t manage or work through with my Lord.  Plus my medications have been cut back 60% over the last twelve months and I am feeling great.  Thank Jesus for this wonderful progress!

P.s.s.  PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder












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  1. rich chamberlin permalink

    Amen. God bless.

  2. Tom Ball permalink

    For the past 20 years I have worked with adult survivors of childhood verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, dissociative identity disorder, as well as cult and government organized programming. In my experience the single most important component in the healing process is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. What Chris describes in this blog posting is the reality of how normal human beings respond to these almost unbelievably horrible events I have long admired and respected his honest search for spiritual truth and understanding of how God works in the lives of believers. His report of progress made offers real hope to others on the journey.

    • Thank you Tom for that personal affirmation. Thank you also for all your prayers and support over the years my mentor, friend and dear brother in Christ.

  3. "BK" permalink

    When I think of your journey through hell I am always reminded of the scripture that says when we suffer together we rejoice together. It has been a worthwhile battle. Reminds me of the big forest fires we get over here in Eastern Washington…..long after the fire is out little blazes pop up but can be put out without going into another major blaze. Filled with thankfulness, “BK”

    • BK, thank you for standing and kneeling with me over the years. Your prayers and support have been monumental in my life. Jesus is awesome!

  4. Gary Zanow permalink

    Once again Chris, you’ve nailed it, God doesn’t make bad things happen to us; but he is able to redeem all of it, and use it to minister to others. Through your blog you are doing just that. God bless you, encourage you and strengthen you, my friend.

    • Thank you Gary. You have been an excellent friend and brother in my life. You encourage me greatly!

  5. Sue heumann permalink

    Such inspiration you give to us through your life! Oh the bliss one day to know Him completely…..but now your shining light gives light to others to know Him more…and hope that there is soooo much more to Him than what we know now…which already is amaaaaaaazing!!!

    • Thank you Sue for that affirmation and encouragement. Jesus is totally amazing! HIS gift in you shines bright into my life everyday Sue.

  6. He Truly is Awesomeness Personified!
    And He Lives and Breaths and has His Being IN us.. How Awesome is that?

  7. Brother, your post (s) is most encouraging. I know of a brother who suffers dreadfully with PTSD as a result of combat. I pray that he will find the healing and power of Christ’s life as you are experiencing. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability in order to glorify Christ through the fellowship of suffering.

  8. Donnalee, Thank you for that affirmation and encouragement. I am open and vulnerable because that is what Christ desires of me. It is not easy, but well worth the fruit it bears for the sake of Christ and others.

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