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Suicidal Follower Of Christ?

May 18, 2016


“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril and He will deliver us.  On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”  2 Corinthians 1: 8-11

Well friends I am sorry to have to report that I am continuing to have those brand new PTSD flashbacks since last Saturday.  After nearly two years episode free the hell has returned with a fury.  So far I am coping fairly well.  However, I did not sleep well last night as I was having the new flashback in a continuous loop, over and over and over again. I am hoping that this is just a speed bump in my recovery and not a full blown PTSD event, but only HE knows.  The flashbacks coupled with some major depression due to other factors have me feeling quite suicidal. However, I do not have a plan for ending my life so please don’t over worry on my behalf.

The relentless memories of being brutally repeatedly raped and molested as a young child make me feel far beyond my ability to endure. Sometimes the flashbacks are unwaivering and flood my mind with awful thoughts to the point I can hardly breathe.  So much so that I despair even of life and have attempted suicide three times since 2001 and came extremely close to succeeding.  I find myself in good company in this despair though, as it seems that even apostles like Paul have felt this way at times in their lives.  I am now reminded, once again, that I cannot rely on myself in these matters.  No, I must rely solely on Jesus and those He places in my life.  I trust He will deliver me again, as always, but for now I patiently wait on Him.

I cannot say enough how much the prayers and counsel of my friends comfort me in times like these.  I have been in contact with many dear saints this past week.  The calls, chats and texts mean so very, very much to me.  I know that I am not alone in my struggles.  Because Jesus is with me and so is His Body.  The relational, organic, simple, home church folks have really stepped up to the plate to help me in my current state of need.  The positive confession camp will hate this, but I am not ashamed to say that at times I am a suicidal follower of Christ.  When I am absolutely truthful and call it what it really is, then I can accept the needed healing and redemption.  I know I am not the lone follower of Christ who struggles with life and death in this manner. It is my hope, that by talking so freely about my affliction, that others will find the courage to step forward and get the help they so desperately need in their lives.

It is too late for Robin Williams, but not for me and you.  I sincerely hope that this post will silence some of the ignorant comments that have been made in the wake of William’s suicide.  He was NOT a coward and neither am I.  Plus I do not believe that suicide is a direct ticket to hell, only God knows what was on William’s heart and mind when he took his own life.  Anyone, including those who follow Christ, can suffer from depression, suicidal ideation and other mental health issues.  In this life we will have many troubles….. Jesus said that.  And the way out of our troubles and afflictions is rarely easy.  Jesus helps as do medication and counseling at times, but there is no easy answer to the difficult problems we all face at times in this life.  All I know is that last week I helped a man find Jesus and that very same day, within hours, I was having flashbacks again.  We can go from the amazing mountaintop to the depths of the valley of the shadow of death in mere moments….Yet Jesus will never leave or forsake us.  Until we have first walked in the shoes of the suicidal we should avoid foolish judgments and uninformed comments. Perhaps you know someone who struggles with mental health issues and could really use an encouraging phone call or visit?  Pray about it and call them today, for tomorrow just might be too late.  God only knows.

Love and …..

Kirk Out !










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  1. Brother Kirk, one time when I had been under an exhausting 10 month ordeal of affliction and oppression, after having prayed, begged, pleaded, etc, the Lord told me to “speak to the mountain”. I did and it was instantly removed.
    I too have suffered suicidal depression and anxiety attacks so bad. I have been delivered, but the devil doesn’t like that and he will try to being the symptoms back on us. We do have to resist the devil. Not always easy, but we need to try.
    You have my prayers dear brother. What works for one saint, may not work for another, but what always works is just to hang in there no matter what. This too shall pass.
    Love in Jesus,

    • Thank you Scarlett, your exhortation and support mean a lot to me. With Christ’s help I will get through this again. I Know that as a fact. Thanks Scarlett!

  2. “I am a suicidal follower of Christ”…me too. Though the deepest darkness has passed, at least for now, and I know it’s a thin line near enough for me to cross back into it…I resonate with that statement. I am a suicidal follower of Christ. Honesty. Truthful, Christ believing honesty. And too many in “the church” can’t, won’t, are too afraid to be real in front of one another, and in front of the world. That’s truth, too. The heresy (and I don’t use that term lightly) of believing true Christians don’t worry (no anxiety), don’t fear pain, trials or death, don’t get depressed (even cannot get depressed, ‘cuz you know, we’ve got the victory) and because of this heresy, the need to pretend we’ve got it all together when in fact, we don’t…and most of us are pretending because we don’t have it together. Once again, I need to thank you brother Chris for your transparency. You continue to be an inspiration to me, as you allow Christ to shine through your weaknesses.

  3. Thank you Gary for your more than kind and true and loving words. When we are weak Christ is strong. Pretending we are strong makes Christ appear weak. We all need to be truthful, honest and transparent..because when folks can see through us they will see Christ in us…the Hope of Glory. In the midst of my struggles I embrace my weaknesses and look to Jesus and HE embraces me. Christ is real, so in response to HIM we need to be real too!

  4. Suzy Crees permalink

    Christopher, I appreciate your honesty and transparency so much. I cannot identify with the horrors you are going through but my heart goes out to you. Not only is Christ in you but you are in Him. He is the One who can sustain you and guide you through this. I can “see” Christ in you and He is beautiful. Prayers are going forth for you.

    • Wow Suzy, your kind words bring me much comfort. I haven’t been able to sleep at night, but I have been able to take a few naps that helped a lot. Thanks for your prayers. They are precious.

  5. Zelos permalink

    Just want to let you know I care. Dreams are an odd and tough thing to control for sure, as is sleep. I suffer terribly from lack of sleep. God answers all my prayers but that one it seems. My ex wife was suicidal when I met her. Abuse. But she lived another 30 years to see 4 grandchildren and a great-grandchild too. My condition forced me to examine my eating habits, it seems all the chemicals in processed foods, water and drinks have adverse effects on the brai, and sleep. I recommend organic foods as well as church! And I am glad you see the falsehood of the whole positive confession lunacy, which is akin to lying to one another. Be positive, and truthful. and Hang in there buddy.

  6. Fully agree…reach out and say hello, listen, talk…you never know what people are going through!

    • Thank you for that exhortation John. People need to feel Christ’s touch in their lives through us the Body of Christ.

  7. This is an extremely timely post. I really appreciate your honesty because I too have been through some extraordinarily difficult times with my health in the last few years, despite pressing more fully into Jesus. The Lord has been teaching me a great deal about suffering in the life of a Christian over the last 6 months. Your experience lines up completely with what the Lord has shown me. Thank you for being so real and vulnerable! Bless you Kirk.

    • Wow Ben, thank you for your affirmation and encouragement. One thing I have learned over the years is that by HIS stripes we are healed and as part of HIS Body by our stripes others are healed. Thanks for sharing Ben!

  8. Sue Heumann permalink

    Chris, I ditto Suzy and Zelos ✨👍 …… You have been such an encouragement to me. He has given you more than what u can handle so well trust He will take care of this!! It’s odd that some prayers aren’t immediately answered, but we’ll keep on trusting our God who loves us. You have my prayers, and my heart goes out to you. Losing sleep is bad enough, let alone the reason you’ve lost some. I am trusting that God will give you great rest and sleep on this night. You have love, prayers, and a caring hug from me. God has the answer to all….. Rest in His Love. Yep, this too shall pass….and thanking him for your naps!!!

  9. Thank you Sue for such encouraging words. I am fully leaning on Christ and HIS BODY to get me through this and it is working as always in HIS time frame. Love you Sue!

  10. Thanks for your honesty Chris. Too often we hide behind masks of “I’m all right you’re all right so everything is all right.” But that’s a lie…
    I remember Tony Campolo saying… “I’m Not all right… You are Not all right…. but that’s OK because JESUS is all right…”

    We stand on and in HIS Reightiousness… all other ground is sinking sand.

    Stand Firm in Him.

  11. Standing as best as I can Mike with the help of Christ and HIS Body. Thanks for the encouragement!

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Suffering Series Part 6 – Conclusion and Links – Treasuring Him Together
  2. Suffering Part 6 – Conclusion and Links – Treasuring Him Together

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