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Walking Along The Beach With My Mother Again

February 22, 2015


“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God.  Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”  Hebrews 12: 1-3

Last week while in sunny Florida I spent a lot of time walking on the beach where we spread my Mother’s ashes over thirteen years ago.  Now I don’t believe that we can have conversations with the dead, but I do believe that remembering them can give us much solace.  My Mom and I used to walk Green Key beach, hand in hand, often when I was ages 4-11.  I remember her touch, smile, hair and our encouraging conversations.

During the last several years I have learned from The Lord the power of positive memories.  Having PTSD these last 16 years I have been flooded with negative flashbacks and memories on numerous occasions.  They have been so over-powering at times that they even led me to be suicidal quite often.

Recently, Jesus has been leading me to recapture the good and positive memories of my childhood. PTSD made me re-live brutal abuse and rapes by my father from ages 4-11.  These horrific memories filled almost all of my days and nights with pain and terror.  Now that is all changing as I allow myself to embrace and remember the excellent times I also had during my childhood.  Now The Lord is using the fantastic moments of my youth to counter balance the scales of my life.  In the past I found trying to recall these fond moments nearly impossible due to the sheer weight and volume of the flashbacks.  However, now Jesus has granted me much grace and freedom in recalling the days of my youth.

I believe that now my Mom is a member of the great cloud of witnesses that I am engulfed and surrounded by.  Now I am throwing off the negative memories that have hindered me for the last 16 years and I am also no longer giving in to the sin of ungodly inner rage, self loathing and anger that had me entangled for so long.  My eyes are now totally fixed on Jesus and because of that I am no longer growing weary or losing heart.  Jesus endured opposition from sinful men as I have endured opposition from my earthly father and the enemy.

I fully embrace the current freedom I am experiencing and I am just loving being able to recall the great times of my youth.  I was in chains to the flashbacks, but now I am free.  When the enemy comes against me now in my mind I just recall and re-live the walks on the beach with my loving and wonderful Mom.  I thank the Lord for granting me the liberty to replace my destructive past with a loving and productive one.  Now when the flashbacks hit, I just close my eyes and all of sudden I am there with my Mom on that beach and more amazing than that Jesus is there hand in hand with me and my Mom too.  Such a simple revelation and I just hope that someday everyone out there reading this can be free from any part of their past that holds them back in this life also.

Love and ….

Kirk Out !


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  1. Memories, the good ones, can be very life giving. thinking about good life, begets more good life. The good life, real life, never ends. Very nice!

  2. Jack permalink

    One of the most encouraging moments in my life came when praising God as THE ALPHA AND OMEGA, THE BEGINNING AND THE END that He told me He redeems my past just as much as my present and future. That this redeeming of my past is an active thing. No different than what He’s doing with my tomorrows.

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