Serious Prayer Request
“The ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” Isaiah 51: 11
It seems I have a serious problem about being too serious all the time. Several people close to me have noticed that my post PTSD personality lacks the fun, spontaneity and humor of my former self. In fact I am now so somber, steady, measured and centered in my actions and speech that it is having a negative impact on my relationships. My online and texting personality is appropriately full and varied, but face to face I am still very guarded and downright stoic and at times cold in demeanor. I need more Kirk and less Spock in this area. I want to be totally real and authentic in every area of my life.
I discussed this problem in depth with my counselor today and also sought counsel and prayer from close friends. When we looked at what is occurring and why….. several things came to mind in no particular order. 1. I am older and more mature now than pre-PTSD. 2. My medications work to keep me centered emotionally so that I have few highs and lows. The good news is that I now take literally half the amount of medications than I did one year ago. 3. Like Paul, I am bold in my letters, but meek in person. 4. I have just emerged after 15 years in a very dark, deep, cold, hellish and dangerous pit full of brutal, traumatic PTSD flashbacks. Because of this I am having to learn all over again how to interact and relate to others without being too vigilant and self protective. My father destroyed my childhood, but I will not allow him to steal my relationships and future from beyond the grave.
It is likely a mixture of those things, but regardless of the cause I know that I need to press through the problem and become fully me again. I don’t want to be the serious boring guy with extensive baggage. I want to be joyful, fun and jovial like I used to be. My mind seems fully intact, but my emotions are something I still fear a bit. My rapier wit and humor used to be Robin Williamsesque, but today in person they are rarely on display.
I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength and I want to fully live in that joy, moment by moment, each and every day. I am still not sure how to get there other than to continue pressing forward in my relationships and in Christ. Everyone I have talked with tells me that in a short time I will recover all that the enemy and illness took from me including aspects of my personality and emotions that are now somewhat blunted due to the trauma I experienced and the medications that I take. I know beyond all doubt that I can overcome this with the help of The Lord and those who love me. It will just take a little time to get back up to speed with my feelings. Thanks for taking time to read this today. I deeply appreciate everyone that reads this blog. I thank you for your prayers. I guess rising from the ashes and being resurrected is rarely an easy path without any complications.
Love and ……
Kirk Out !