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Serious Prayer Request

August 25, 2014

Greetings,

“The ransomed of the Lord will return.  They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads.  Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”  Isaiah 51: 11

It seems I have a serious problem about being too serious all the time.  Several people close to me have noticed that my post PTSD personality lacks the fun, spontaneity and humor of my former self.  In fact I am now so somber, steady, measured and centered in my actions and speech that it is having a negative impact on my relationships. My online and texting personality is appropriately full and varied, but face to face I am still very guarded and downright stoic and at times cold in demeanor.  I need more Kirk and less Spock in this area.  I want to be totally real and authentic in every area of my life.  

I discussed this problem in depth with my counselor today and also sought counsel and prayer from close friends.  When we looked at what is occurring and why…..  several things came to mind in no particular order.  1.  I am older and more mature now than pre-PTSD.  2.  My medications work to keep me centered emotionally so that I have few highs and lows.  The good news is that I now take literally half the amount of medications than I did one year ago.  3.  Like Paul, I am bold in my letters, but meek in person.  4.  I have just emerged after 15 years in a very dark, deep, cold, hellish and dangerous pit full of brutal, traumatic PTSD flashbacks.  Because of this I am having to learn all over again how to interact and relate to others without being too vigilant and self protective.  My father destroyed my childhood, but I will not allow him to steal my relationships and future from beyond the grave.

It is likely a mixture of those things, but regardless of the cause I know that I need to press through the problem and become fully me again.  I don’t want to be the serious boring guy with extensive baggage.  I want to be joyful, fun and jovial like I used to be.  My mind seems fully intact, but my emotions are something I still fear a bit.  My rapier wit and humor used to be Robin Williamsesque, but today in person they are rarely on display.

I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength and I want to fully live in that joy, moment by moment, each and every day.  I am still not sure how to get there other than to continue pressing forward in my relationships and in Christ.  Everyone I have talked with tells me that in a short time I will recover all that the enemy and illness took from me including aspects of my personality and emotions that are now somewhat blunted due to the trauma I experienced and the medications that I take.  I know beyond all doubt that I can overcome this with the help of The Lord and those who love me.  It will just take a little time to get back up to speed with my feelings.  Thanks for taking time to read this today.  I deeply appreciate everyone that reads this blog.  I thank you for your prayers.  I guess rising from the ashes and being resurrected is rarely an easy path without any complications.

Love and ……

Kirk Out !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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23 Comments
  1. Yes, I noticed that change in you compared to the time we met at DG’s in TX. I will be praying that Christ is manifest in you, my brother. Michael

  2. 2trakmind permalink

    You got it, brother. Be careful not to try to force yourself to become who others want you to be, because they are concerned, or want the old Chris back. I, too, changed quite a bit after the death of my son and it was hard for people to adjust to. I has been over five years, now and I don’t anticipate seeing the old me again and I’m ok with that. It’s quite normal for people who experience deep trauma. In some sense, you have never known who you really were. The real you was all mixed up with decades of dysfunction and trauma. You learned coping mechanisms that were necessary in order to function in the midst of the horrendous effects of abuse. Now, having found some freedom, you are on a new journey of becoming who you were made to be. That person may not be the same person people have always known you to be. He may not be who you knew you to be. Relax into yourself and live free in who you are today. If the “old” you is to return, God will lead him back, in time. That’s just my dime store psychology. I’m praying for you.

    Love ya, bro!

  3. Ramma permalink

    I haven’t met you yet in person, so I have nothing to compare with. Along with everything you have been going through is maturity and with that is more responsibility. With that at times our eyes see so much, we almost stumble. But Jesus really only gives what He knows we can carry. I think you need a trip to Las Vegas :). Blessings brother!

  4. Brother Kirk, praying for you! I can relate to several parts of your journey. We go through different seasons, don’t we? Praise God that you are through some of the worst years. Yes, God is making all things new, but we never have to pretend how long that process may take. I’ve done that before, out of fear of being judged as less spiritual. In so tired of that shallow churchianity. This honest post is beautiful. Thanks for putting it out there.

    Peace! – merks

  5. Frank permalink

    Praying for your healing.

  6. Chris, I have walked this road, and I can assure you that you WILL be fully yourself with no baggage. Take it one day at a time, even one moment at a time. It takes time to build up the confidence to trust in people, to learn new pattern of interacting with others. It takes time to build up the courage to risk losing, to risk being rejected. Having people around you who accept you as you are and love you unconditionally really helps, so stick by those people. Keep going toward wholeness and health. You’re on the right path, brother, and you have many traveling with you.

  7. Pam Smith permalink

    I think being aware of this will help. I think that jovial guy is still in there, and will come out as you learn to trust and let it come out. I also believe that part of that “obnoxious” guy was to hide what was deep. Just keep trusting, praying, and I believe that the “NEW KIRK” will be every bit as much fun and humorous but maybe just different. Know that you are in my prayers. God is bigger than meds, bigger than flashbacks and HE has a sense of humor too. Love ya

  8. nancy permalink

    My dear brother in Christ….weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning…no matter how long the night, JOY COMES! Rest in the Lord….it is coming! Love you!

  9. Very good transparency Kirk. Thank you for sharing. I have also been going through the fire of cleansing for the past 10 years and now see a new Debra emerging. I have found that the “me” I thought I was is not the “me” I actually am becoming as I grow closer to the Lord. I am now much more bold and less apt to put up with nonsense than I used to be. I take far less from the enemy, and find delight in reminding him of his ultimate end when he tries to put me down. That just puts a dance in my feet! You are more than a conqueror and you also have satan under your feet. Remind him of this as you put off that yoke of bondage he has tried to put on you from a child. No, your childhood was not ruined, because through your sufferings you have held tight to the hand of God, with no parent to be God for you. It is through that trauma that you have come to a place in God that few ever find, and is this not worth all the pain? Is this not what pagans have cut themselves for, starved for, denied themselves for, sacrificed for, and bled for? Is this not what religious folks have prided themselves in having but have never truly obtained? Through trials and tribulations you have found the Pearl of Precious Price! Keep moving forward my dear brother for you are on the straight and narrow path!

  10. Kirk, the day you chose to believe is the day you stepped out of Adam and into Christ, Justified= just as if you have never sinned, by the finished work of Christ at the cross (col. 1:22) Then Father took you up and sealed you in him (Eph. 1:13) Sanctifying started and flesh self fought and fights, sanctification is the removal of sin thought, and shows us rejoicing in Spirit and truth, You are saved and so are many others, whether they go here or there, Those that believe not the same as you, are saved by God’s Mercy through Son Christ. And as one Apostle said to Jesus, where is the other one, (I think) John going, and Christ said plainly, why are you concerned about that. For Christ sends us all out to just love all does he not?
    And I guarantee, you are not the only one that has and is going through troubles
    (John 16:33) real clear on this. So how can any of us turn our troubles into joy? By accepting troubles and learn from them, accepting them as past and trusting God that it will all work out for the good, while we don’t see it?

  11. CatherineS permalink

    Having met you on this side of the 15 years of suffering you’ve been through, I, too, don’t have anything to compare it with. I did notice that you were sober (not somber) and quiet much of the time, but your wit did peek through occasionally. 🙂 Although I expect the personality that is truly you hasn’t changed and will rise from the ashes, there’s a maturity and steadiness that I believe God has worked in you through your suffering, a strength taken from the roots of your spiritual life that grew deep into Him. I’m blessed to know you, dear brother.

  12. Chris, I would hope that these words will contribute to the pieces of healing that continue to fall together for you: They have pierced deeply into my soul for sure.

    “What I’d like you to think about is that it is very, very important to feel safe. And one of the things that I’m more and more aware of is how important it is for you, for me, for us to have a safe place. Where can you be really safe? Somehow the spiritual journey is a journey that requires that we have a deep, deep sense of safety. We are afraid precisely because we do not really feel safe. And for me one of the most important questions is, ‘Where am I safe?’ With whom am I safe? Where can I let myself be known in a safe way?

    Alll I want to do is to give you an image of safety, a return to the place where it is safe, and probably the most useful word for that is ‘womb,’ the womb of God. That’s the safest place. A lot of us weren’t even safe in the womb because our mothers were sometimes also afraid, and somehow there is no human being who hasn’t experienced very early on the fears of those around him or her. We carry that in our lives.

    The spiritual life is to discover that there is safety for us. And that God wants to offer us that safe place where we can dwell, and where we can return to, and then we can let our whole body and mind and heart sort of stay without fear. And I’m really convinced that in order to be strong, to take risks, to do new things, we have to be able to be totally safe somewhere else where we can return to.” –Henri Nouwen, 1998

  13. Hugh H. Echols permalink

    With all due respect to the other opinions posted here, I think you hit it on the nail head in your post. You are older than you used to be (surprise), you’ve been through more than anyone should be asked to go through (and by Gods grace ministered to others through it), and you’ve different (and hopefully wiser) for all of it. It’s called growing up, and it’s something we never stop doing, realistically, none of us are the same we used to be, and that is very much a gift of God, He never intended us to be 80 year old teenagers.

    If you feel that you have no joy or creativity in your life we should pray and work through that. If you’re finding your joy in other things, or expressing that creativity differently that could be something different.

    The people who love us understand that, stand, and walk with us through all those changes. Those who can’t handle the inevitable changes in life speak more of their place in lifes journey than they mean to reveal.

    My wife and I married in 1983. Neither she nor I are the same as the two teens that met in 1978. As we’ve changed I’ve fallen in love with her many, many times and love her more now than ever. The same applies to me true friends, I love them rough times, changes, and all. I hope no one ever gets stuck in their life and stops growing, that’s something that never ends well.

    May Gad always be with you.

  14. "BK" permalink

    Hi, Chris, having walked some in both worlds with you, I don’t think the ‘jovial’ Chris, although that’s certainly a part of the whole; I don’t think it’s you are older or more mature or more serious. From my perspective you hit it square on in realizing you are coming from a deep, dark pit where not participating in your environment or relationships protected you (but not very well) from the hell of the flashbacks. The medication for sure keeps you in an unrealistic ‘over-steady’ state but also is for sure needed in the part of the journey. Since you are now down to 1/2 the amount (and I know this is true!) your relating has improved accordingly. It’s a journey, Chris. Being aware and continuing to walk through it at whatever pace the Lord takes you is the key. You are a miracle, brother. To God be the glory, “BK”

  15. Dyesebel barbecho permalink

    We arent perfect,so its ok to feel that sumtyms…just stay in who you are..all your bro.and sis.in christ loves you!!!

    • missdebra permalink

      Amen! It is best to not own and nurse a problem. For instance my dear brother Kirk, saying “MY PTSD” is not correct for a born again son of God. God creates the fruit of the lips. When you say “my” to a problem you are declaring it belongs to you and satan is more than happy to oblige you. PTSD is not yours, it is from the pit of hell and does not belong in your life. It is up to you to take authority over it and kick it out. Jesus has given you His powerful name and authority and all ungodliness must surrender to His name, including PTSD! Resist the devil and he will flee! Thanks for this post homwardbound.

  16. "BK" permalink

    I’ve always had questions along this line….honest ones. So, when I have a headache I should say I don’t? That always seems like saying something not true. Like when it says if someone is sick let them call for the elders of the church to pray…..how can they do that if they aren’t supposed to claim it? Or when Paul told Timothy to take wine for his often infirmity? Or when Paul said they despaired life but the prayers of the saints helped pull him through? I see faith a bit different than owning or not owing something. I don’t go to the other extreme either of believing like AA or NA that I ‘am’ an alcoholic or addict all my life. Jesus is certainly the healer and does heal and deliver from ALL maladies. It’s just that it appears healing doesn’t always happen instantaneously. And I know the Lord has dealt with me from time to time when I wanted to ‘eat’ my self-pity and it was making me sick. So in all of this there MUST be some balance. I honestly welcome light and perception on this from any who care to assist me in understanding. Thank you, and much love, “BK”

    • missdebra permalink

      Great comments BK. I know others like myself have struggled with the same questions. The way I have come to see the “faith” thing is this, and it works! I know Jesus has died once and for all for all sin and infirmities. Therefore, I can stand with confidence against everything that may be coming against me from the enemy, knowing it has been defeated at the cross. There is nothing wrong with saying satan is attacking me with such and such, however it becomes counter productive to faith to say “my” to any of these attacks. They are deceptions and lies from the enemy, we do not have to own them. When healing does not come right away when I pray and ask God for healing, and then speak healing into my body by the power of the blood of Jesus, I do not blame God for not healing me because I know He already gave it at the cross, I ask God to help me align myself into the position of receiving the healing, and He does. This may take time, there are still things I am waiting on, but with patience I will receive. Eventually, anything not received in the life will certainly be received in heaven, but I never give up believing while here on earth, and God has not disappointed me! I hope this helps.

      • "BK" permalink

        Thank you, Debra. I appreciate your clarification alot. Love, “BK”

    • Christ’s death brought Justification

      Colossians 1:22

      But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—

      Justified= just as if we never sinned in the sight of Father

      Then life is still needed

      Romans 5:10New International Version (NIV)

      10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

      Saved by the life, what life whose life? ours are we dead, are we redeemed? In Spirit yes, not flesh so what do we do or reckon flesh nature to be ?

      Romans 6:11New International Version (NIV)

      11 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

      Reckon = believe right?

      So since this flesh is alive it is sinful right? and no amount of works effort to do right will please God correct, since all sin is:

      Romans 8:3New International Version (NIV)

      3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[a] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[b] And so he condemned sin in the flesh,

      Since all sin is condemned to flesh and Paul says put no:

      Philippians 3:3New International Version (NIV)

      3 For it is we who are the circumcision, we who serve God by his Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh—

      So we do not even trust our own ideas, or get extreme about any truths we know as truth, being wise as a serpent, many times we forget to stay harmless as a dove, and forget to trust God to give us the words of love mercy, reconciliation he has already given us? ( Matt. 10:16-20)

      Philippians 3:10-11New International Version (NIV)

      10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

      See this die to self daily as Paul has said in other places, I die Daily. So that I might see the resurrected life in Spirit and truth

      Did you know that God can only be worshiped in Spirit and truth?

      John 4:23

      Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.

      That was before gong to the cross, dying to flesh and resurrected alive for in Spirit and truth

      Now after Pentecost and the ascension, we are left with worship only in Spirit and truth

      John 4:24

      God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

      No flesh efforts ever pleases God except Christ’s, and that part is done finished we are made holy before Father by Crist’s flesh that he died to for us to get new life in Spirit and truth, and that is in the resurrected Christ not the dead Christ for he is alive, risen for ever.

      So any and every time we get onto a kick about anything wrong, and become extreme over it we fool ourselves and sickness can sometimes come from it.

      As I have been sick and am learning as Job
      understanding this now:
      Romans 8:28New International Version (NIV)

      28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose
      James 1 [Full Chapter]

      James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings. [ Trials and Temptations ] Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. …

      How many of us say thank you to troubles? And it is hard to tell God thank you. Do you hear Jesus telling God Thank you yet suffering at the same time, for he trusted God no matter what, do we>? Or do we think we are so self righteous we can rail on whomever we choose, when seeing their wrongs? When God has past tense forgiven us all our wrongs we have and ever could commit?
      The prayers of the righteous men that brings the healing and their sins will be forgiven them is not of those righteous men, it is of God living God’s resurrected life through them. they are just responders not initiators. we are the creation not the creator

      It is bottom line all God and none of anyone else, we walk by Faith in the finished work of Christ, justified, finalizing that and asking God for the new life in Spirit and truth. God gives this takes up residence in us and begins the transformation that is actually already done in us by Christ, But we are in this world and fight it from self efforts, arguing talking bad of others, when others are the same as you and me, Forgiven, yet not all have received the new life in Spirit and truth, because they have not asked for it by Faith in son’s done work for them.

      God freely give this new life once one finalizes they are forgiven not only them but the whole world

      1 John 2 New International Version (NIV)

      2 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

      What is left after believe is for us to renew our minds to Father’s point of view

      Romans 12:2New International Version (NIV)

      2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

      From Father’s view how does he see you through Son?

      Is it perfect, by Son or just a poor old sinner saved by grace? Flesh is not redeemed so I need to renew my mind to God’s mind view, and see through God’s sight. Can you do that? stinking thinking goes away and if you ever start to get sick, anger frustrated, you welcome it and it flees

      The same as when King Jehoshaphat, sent out the praise and worship band to the 3 armies as a welcome, it confused them and they slaughtered each other, evil killed evil, which is what evil does it can’t kill God, whom is the only one good, so rest in peace while here in God’s care and when die here be welcomed to your new location with the God-head, all thanks to Christ. so wherever Crist is preached we are elated that Christ is preached, for those seeking will find truth and be set free, for God said he will not leave us or forsake us. So we can rest in trusting God to work all things out for the good of God right?

      Hope this helps

  17. "BK" permalink

    I just came across this quote that I think fits pretty good! “I can stick artificial flowers on this tree that will not flower, or I can create the conditions in which the tree is likely to flower naturally. I may have to wait longer for my real flowers, but they are the only true ones.” John Fowles, The Aristos (Boston: Little, Brown, 1964), p.50

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