Suicidal Follower Of Christ?
“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.” 2 Corinthians 1: 8-11
Well friends I am sorry to have to report that I had some more PTSD flashbacks this past week. After nearly a year episode free the hell has returned with a fury. So far I am coping fairly well. I am hoping that this is just a speed bump in my recovery and not a full blown PTSD event, but only He knows. The flashbacks coupled with some major depression due to other factors have me feeling quite suicidal. However, I do not have a plan for ending my life so please don’t over worry on my behalf.
The memories of being brutally repeatedly raped and molested as a young child make me feel far beyond my ability to endure. Sometimes the flashbacks are relentless and flood my mind with awful thoughts to the point I can hardly breathe. So much so that I despair even of life and have attempted suicide three times since 2001. I find myself in good company in this despair though, as it seems that even apostles like Paul have felt this way in their lives. I am now reminded, once again, that I cannot rely on myself in these matters. No, I must rely solely on Jesus and those He places in my life. I trust He will deliver me again, as always, but for now I patiently wait on Him.
I cannot say enough how much the prayers and counsel of my friends comfort me in times like these. I have been in contact with many dear saints this past week. The calls, chats and texts mean so very, very much to me. I know that I am not alone in my struggles. Because Jesus is with me and so is His Body. The organic, simple, home church folks have really stepped up to the plate to help me in my current state of need. The positive confession camp will hate this, but I am not ashamed to say that at times I am a suicidal follower of Christ. When I am absolutely truthful and call it what it really is, then I can accept the needed healing and redemption. I know I am not the lone follower of Christ who struggles with life and death in this manner. It is my hope, that by talking so freely about my affliction, that others will find the courage to step forward and get the help they so desperately need in their lives.
It is too late for Robin Williams, but not for me and you. I sincerely hope that this post will silence some of the ignorant comments that have been made in the wake of William’s death. He was NOT a coward and neither am I. Plus I do not believe that suicide is a direct ticket to hell, only God knows what was on Williams heart and mind when he took his own life. Anyone, including those who follow Christ, can suffer from depression, suicidal ideation and other mental health issues. In this life we will have many troubles….. Jesus said that. And the way out of our troubles and afflictions is rarely easy. Jesus helps as do medication and counseling at times, but there is no easy answer to the problems we face in this life. All I know is that last week I helped a man find Jesus and that very same day, within hours, I was having flashbacks again. We can go from the amazing mountaintop to the depths of the valley of the shadow of death in mere moments….Yet Jesus will never leave or forsake us. Until we have first walked in the shoes of the suicidal we should avoid foolish judgments and uninformed comments. Perhaps you know someone who struggles with mental health issues and could really use an encouraging phone call or visit? Pray about it and call them today, for tomorrow just might be too late. God only knows.
Love and …..
Kirk Out !