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Suicidal Follower Of Christ?

August 17, 2014

Greetings,

“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril and He will deliver us.  On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”  2 Corinthians 1: 8-11

Well friends I am sorry to have to report that I had some more PTSD flashbacks this past week.  After nearly a year episode free the hell has returned with a fury.  So far I am coping fairly well. I am hoping that this is just a speed bump in my recovery and not a full blown PTSD event, but only He knows.  The flashbacks coupled with some major depression due to other factors have me feeling quite suicidal. However, I do not have a plan for ending my life so please don’t over worry on my behalf. 

The memories of being brutally repeatedly raped and molested as a young child make me feel far beyond my ability to endure. Sometimes the flashbacks are relentless and flood my mind with awful thoughts to the point I can hardly breathe.  So much so that I despair even of life and have attempted suicide three times since 2001.  I find myself in good company in this despair though, as it seems that even apostles like Paul have felt this way in their lives.  I am now reminded, once again, that I cannot rely on myself in these matters.  No, I must rely solely on Jesus and those He places in my life.  I trust He will deliver me again, as always, but for now I patiently wait on Him.

I cannot say enough how much the prayers and counsel of my friends comfort me in times like these.  I have been in contact with many dear saints this past week.  The calls, chats and texts mean so very, very much to me.  I know that I am not alone in my struggles.  Because Jesus is with me and so is His Body.  The organic, simple, home church folks have really stepped up to the plate to help me in my current state of need.  The positive confession camp will hate this, but I am not ashamed to say that at times I am a suicidal follower of Christ.  When I am absolutely truthful and call it what it really is, then I can accept the needed healing and redemption.  I know I am not the lone follower of Christ who struggles with life and death in this manner. It is my hope, that by talking so freely about my affliction, that others will find the courage to step forward and get the help they so desperately need in their lives.  

It is too late for Robin Williams, but not for me and you.  I sincerely hope that this post will silence some of the ignorant comments that have been made in the wake of William’s death.  He was NOT a coward and neither am I.  Plus I do not believe that suicide is a direct ticket to hell, only God knows what was on Williams heart and mind when he took his own life.  Anyone, including those who follow Christ, can suffer from depression, suicidal ideation and other mental health issues.  In this life we will have many troubles….. Jesus said that.  And the way out of our troubles and afflictions is rarely easy.  Jesus helps as do medication and counseling at times, but there is no easy answer to the problems we face in this life.  All I know is that last week I helped a man find Jesus and that very same day, within hours, I was having flashbacks again.  We can go from the amazing mountaintop to the depths of the valley of the shadow of death in mere moments….Yet Jesus will never leave or forsake us.  Until we have first walked in the shoes of the suicidal we should avoid foolish judgments and uninformed comments. Perhaps you know someone who struggles with mental health issues and could really use an encouraging phone call or visit?  Pray about it and call them today, for tomorrow just might be too late.  God only knows.

Love and …..

Kirk Out !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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13 Comments
  1. Ramma permalink

    At first at reading this, I felt sorry that this was happening, ( and I do ), then the Spirit said, of course it will happen! You are a Blood born,Spirit born child of God and you….KNOW WHO THE LIVING GOD IS!!! Satan can’t afford to have you around spreading truth the way you do. Ahhh, but you also KNOW who the Evil one is, the Deceiver, Father of Lies. etc, who he is! He wants you to denounce God, just like Job was tested to do. If he can get you to do that, He is winning a battle against God. But we all know the end and Satan LOSES! Continue to denounce the lies that he is putting into your head. We will continue to bind him through our thoughts and prayers. Oh, and I am sure there are many who have had similar thoughts at one time or another. The Book of Lamentations is full of this kind of stuff. Lam 3:18 And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the LORD:
    Lam 3:19 Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
    Lam 3:20 My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
    Lam 3:21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
    Lam 3:22 It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
    Lam 3:23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
    Lam 3:24 The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
    Lam 3:25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
    Lam 3:26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD. God loves you so much and so do His people. Be encouraged, this will pass. Prayers

    • "BK" permalink

      So cool…..I just started reading Lamentations today! Ok, so I read on…..love, “BK”

  2. All I can say Kirk is: hang on, do not give up trust in God for in this world we all have troubles and all suffer depression to some extent or another. A grief group might be helpful. I am in one, and it is helpful, open and honest. Many times people aren’t free to say what they feel, with fear stopping them. I don’t know if you know, that I was Hospitalized almost two years ago, and was not expected to live, it happened within a three day period, while on a move from one state to another. Got sick, ended in emergency room, and lost parts to me that had Gang Greene, and have had physical issues ever since. And I have my trauma as well, as I am sure their are others as well, Yet it is up to others to share or not share, freely
    Anyway Brother you are not alone and I do understand these troubles of depression over past, I am as well a Veteran, USMC
    No matter what we are learning this: to be content in all things are we not?

  3. Cassandra permalink

    Kris, you are loved. You have family all over the world who are praying for you. Peace be to you as God goes into those memories and heals every hurt.

  4. Ken Blake permalink

    Your recent blog citing Romans12:9-12 went into my heart immediately as a word from God for my dear friend who is undergoing some severe medical issues. I shared this Scripture with her and additional words of encouragement that had me weeping in tears of thanks for how God had recently given encouraging, timely Scripture from a friend who loved me in Christ! I pray that The Lord will open your eyes to see more of the love of Him and others who need that love that He is using in your blog! You are truly an encouragement to others through the “honest” and open sharing of the love that Jesus has deposited in you!

  5. I was the depressed youth leader. Putting my best game face on Sunday Morning and going home and cutting my own flesh Sunday night, just to try to relive some pain. Scared to death that someone in the church would find out and I’d be asked to step down from ministry, because I needed “to focus on me” and most likely go through therapy and maybe even deliverance, One night a friend found out and I begged him to keep it a secret, I didn’t want anyone feeling bad or treating me differently, thankfully he kept his word. As time has gone by I’ve learned to control the urge to cut or do anything else that would harm my body, the depression, thanks be to God has lifted, though I now deal with anxiety, it seems to be more manageable. Mental illness is the elephant in the room in most Christian Circles and I thank you brother Chris for being brave enough to come forth and admit everything you are going through and I pray you will find complete peace.

  6. Pat Henshaw permalink

    Praying for you, brother. Doug commented last week that poor Robin probably didn’t have anyone praying for him.

  7. "BK" permalink

    Continuing in prayer for and with you, Christopher. I found so much comfort in those verses in II Cor when I realized Paul suffered despair too; also in chapter 4 when he says we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellency of power is of Him and not of us. Wow, that sure takes the punch out of feeling like a failure! I lived and breathed suicide for about two years back in the 70’s….in church, a ‘respected older saint’ the whole time. No one knew. I didn’t go the counseling route, and found the prescriptions they gave me only masked my situation so I threw them out (that’s when the years of suicide started). I, too, suffered anxiety for a long while afterward but I can testify to His faithfulness that we DO come out the other side. Today I still will have a suicidal thought when things get rough, but now I discard it and think how foolish it is, HE WILL see me through….always has, always will. And now, back to your VERY PRESENT distress….praying for you and walking with you. Wish I could come over and play a few tunes with you. Much love, “BK”

  8. Judy baker permalink

    Sorry this is happening after such a remarkable long time. I can see the Devil again trying to do his job of attacking Christians as he already has the rest of the world. But there are still “sheep” out there so we are too busy to fall for his tricks. Jesus is much stronger and we have work to do..preaching the good news !!! I too have suffered PTSD from being molested as a young child by my Father’s oldest brother – my uncle Clarence – always drunk and even tho I was 2-3-4 yrs old I was too scared to tell ! That part was as awful as the molestation! I knew it was shameful. I knew things would never be the same if i told ! I was petrified to say the least . I wanted to call out “help me Daddy!” Help me Mama! Later on I knew my dad would have killed him . What would happen then ! Fear of the unknown at such an early age was horrible. Every ounce of my soul was in unbelievable pain. This was on and off as he appeared till i was about 11yrs. I then told him when he crawled drunk in the middle of the night to my bed with his hand in my pjs – leave me alone or I’ll tell my Dad now – 3 times before he finally stopped. I was so angry! I wanted to kill him myself ! I saw him doing the same thing to my little sister n I cried as I could not tell! My dad was driving n my mom was in the middle n my uncle holding my little sister with his hand under her dress n I knew what he was doing n I was petrified suffering if I tell Dad will wreck the car n beat him to death n what would happen to us ? Too much for a little girl of 5- 6 yrs old as I didn’t know what to do. Am so glad parents tell their children now to scream holler FIRE whatever to get help. Not to be afraid! Why am I saying all this ! It’s so hard to relive it…I never forgave the little girl ! I just love her so much for what she went thru n it was not her fault . God has always heard my prayers n been there for me. My gma told me about him as a little girl n we prayed at night before we went to sleep together . He is as real to me as my husband is but he does not acknowledge God. It is terrible to not give God credit for all we have is from Him n His Son Jesus. His Spirit teaches us calms us in the storm and protects us . This life is almost over and I will be happy to leave it for a better place . All violence hatred I abhor like Jehovah God. Ps 37 is a great chapter to read. I do have a beautiful story true to tell you next time to uplift all . I hope this helps someone to know a lot of kids suffered abuse in different ways but God knows all n will make it right . Our memories will not be recalled that hurt us. Know you are loved n forgiven!!!!

  9. Jeanne S. permalink

    Sending love and hugs….

  10. Pam Smith permalink

    You know you are always in our thoughts and prayers Chris. I believe that Robin William’s death may have given depression and other mental illnesses a face, a name, and spread light that it isn’t just “sick weird people” that have issues… it can be very a funny and sometimes spiritually aware and alive people that may have challenges. Thank you, as always for your sometimes brutal honesty that is always both challenging and a huge blessing. Just know, we are always praying God’s protection, favor and healing for you. Love ya

  11. Wow, such wonderful and encouraging comments! Much better this evening!

  12. Just read this today. Totally agree and have myself quoted that passage from 2 Corinthians, many a time. Been there, too. Of course, you know that. Love you, Chris.

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