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Reflections On A Former Life

December 6, 2013


“Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God, who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.  O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.  You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”            Psalm 51: 14-17

In February 1999 I had my first PTSD episode.  Waves of horrible traumatic flashbacks of being raped by my very own father flooded and overtook my entire being.  I was lost in my childhood past and I could find no route of escape.  Then when I thought I was fighting back against my abuser, I was in reality fighting off my wife and two of my best friends who were just trying to help and comfort me.  Then in the aftermath I had to try and deal with the guilt of punching my wife and nearly choking to death two dear friends as I pinned them to the wall by their throats.

Episodes like this frequently invaded my life until I started having some breakthroughs in late 2011.  However, by then it was much too late to save my marriage of 30 years.  I don’t blame my ex-wife.  She hung in there for a good long time, but in the end how do you stay with someone who actually threatened your life several times because of his mental illness?  When I was lost in the flashbacks it put me into severe survival mode.  All things became very base and primal and all I knew to do was to try and fight off the abuser;  who in reality was only in my mind.  My life was reduced to continual shame, guilt, sorrow and fits of pure rage towards whoever dare step before me.  In my mind I was six year old Christopher fighting off his dad.  However, in real life I was a 45 year old 6 foot tall and wide Christopher who weighed over 300 pounds, fighting off everyone who tried to love him.   In the end I scared everyone away, except Jesus.  And by the grace of God alone my children were always kept safe and loved.

In the quiet times Jesus always came to me; offering me total forgiveness and healing…reminding me of who I was in Christ, in spite of my affliction.  I spent most of the past 14 years in seclusion, hiding in my room for the safety and welfare of others.  Jesus never gave up on me though..He always showed up in my lucid moments and told me I would make it through the deep dark pit to total freedom and healing on the other side.  

So here I am now right smack dab in the middle of a miraculous healing.  PTSD left a wide damage path behind me, but I am happy to report that practically all my relationships have been restored to a place better than they were pre-1999.  All things in the right time I guess?   I still would not trade the brokenness of the last 14 years for anything else.  Jesus was with me through the long dark storm and I am now closer to Him than I ever have been.  In my brokenness I have become a much better person.  I am no longer angry, immature, and selfish to the extent I was before.  Christ has done a complete rework in my heart and mind and today I am truly free in Him like never before.  I now know the great depth of His grace, mercy and love.  As I sit here I am now reminded that the very first thing love is…is patient.  I know firsthand that Jesus will never leave or forsake us; no matter what we ever say or do.  For a few years there I was little more than a large, frightened, fierce animal, but today I am once again a child of The King and brother to all.  I have discovered that in Christ we lack nothing and whatever you think you may lack Jesus will make up that difference.  

Love and……

Kirk Out !





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  1. Skylla Moon permalink

    I love how our God Jesus uses broken vessels to help heal others. When we had a suicide in our family… 26 yr old sister….. I found a Suicide Survivors Support Group. We found solace in our common trauma and looked forward to the weekly meetings. For whatever reason, a special speaker was invited to join us for this one night and he told us “about” this experience, what we might expect,theclinical figures of it all……but he had never “been there”. We found his words and presence intrusive and lifeless. His textbook information was an affront to our demolished emotions and lives.

    We connected as we shared the same devastating unexplainable traumatic lifealtering event. The person who has not been there, well,theres no way to bridge that gap. Those who suffer with us help to heal us. Jesus has in all ways suffered and understands.

  2. Dear Christopher, the transformation is stunning. It was when I first met you, and I look forward to receiving even more of Jesus Christ from you in the days to come!

  3. "BK" permalink

    It’s been a long, harsh and prayerful walk, Chris. We have laughed together, we have cried together, we have agonized together. Well does the scripture say when we suffer together, we rejoice together. Ken & I rejoiced as we read this. Loving you deeply, Ken & “BK”

  4. Chris, my own experience of PTSD from an a (far less) abusive childhood was fairly invisible, an internalised whirlpool of shame and fear that threatened to engulf me from the inside, and made me acutely needy and insecure. But Jesus’ healing of me was still a miracle. Today I look back on that broken person and marvel at how far I have been carried. So I understand as far as someone else from way outside can. And with you I can join in wonder and praise for the amazing love that jesus has given us

  5. nancy permalink

    My..the unsearchable riches of Christ! How He carried you and your family as He carefully unravelled your pain. I am in awe of Him and rejoicing with you!

  6. Smart thinnikg – a clever way of looking at it.

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