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Fear No More

October 23, 2013
“There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  1 John 4: 18
This is the first fall season in 14 years that I am not living in total fear of PTSD flashbacks and the utter turmoil that they bring to my life.  Last year was the first time in 13 years that I did not have multiple psychiatric hospitalizations due to suicidal ideation in the months of October and November.  My life is not perfect by any means, but there is no denying the tremendous progress I have made addressing PTSD and related issues in my life.
How have I done it?  I haven’t, Jesus has done it for me and in me.  Sure I cooperated by simply drawing closer to Him and His love, grace and mercy; but it is clearly His work within me that made the difference.  Finally, fully recognizing  that Jesus has been with me every step of the way since my pre-birth has set me free.  I say pre-birth because my earthly father almost killed me and my mother by brutally beating her and repeatedly kicking her in the stomach causing me to be born dry breach at six and one half months into her pregnancy.  I weighed just four pounds at birth and was in an intensive care incubator for 10 days before being released from the hospital.  My father was a wicked evil man, but now when I think of him I no longer feel angry.  In fact I feel sorry for him and I wonder what happened to him as child that caused him to do such vile things to those he supposedly loved.
In the past 14 years I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, but it took til just recently to finally fear no evil and find the comfort of His rod and staff.  Through Christ alone today, in late October, I am enjoying quiet and still waters instead of the turbulence of my abuse filled youth.  Because of Jesus I am a walking miracle.  I stepped even closer to Him and He then led His Body to step even closer to me.  I would not be alive today without the help, support and prayers of the Body of Christ.  I fellowship face to face and online with some very remarkable sisters and brothers.  When I was unsteady they propped me up.  They spoke words of comfort, grace and truth to me when I needed them most.  The pure and deep relationship that we share is beyond words.  I never found such dear friends in pulpits or within the four walls of any recognized “church”.  I found them and they found me totally outside of any religious institution.  The fellowship and freedom we share in Christ has allowed us to open up to Jesus and one another in ways the average “church” member has never even pondered.  Somehow we actually trust in the Christ within each other enough so that we can actually become vulnerable to the point of allowing our wounds and scars to be exposed openly to His Light and complete healing.
I NEVER could have navigated this portion of my life alone.  I NEED Jesus and my siblings in Christ to be active in every part of my life.  I cast my cares upon Him and He sustains me and causes me to flourish daily.  What is impossible to man’s religion is overwhelmingly possible with Christ and His fully functioning Body.  I am living proof of this fact and I won’t be quiet about it.  I know that when struggles come again..He will lead me through them.  Seek a relationship with Jesus and His Body and ultimately you will not be disappointed.
Love and …….
Kirk Out !

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  1. Thanks Kirk, awesome how God turns lemons into lemon-ade

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  3. "BK" permalink

    Chris, this touched my heart so deeply because my fervent prayer for years (including this one) is Jesus would bring you peace in the Fall months. Just last week as Ken & I kicked along through the dry autumn leaves prayer burst out once again for the day when you no longer are tormented by such beautiful leaves but can enjoy them. Probably not that far yet, but you are right…what you write of is a MIRACLE. I am so thankful to have walked this journey with you….watched as you discovered such depths of grace this past year or so that His love took on monumental facets for you, lifting you above what was impossible before. Thanks for sharing, brother. What a blessing.

  4. CatherineS permalink

    How wonderful to hear of Christ’s miracle in your life! As I read your post, I thought of Joel 2:23-26, and especially where the Lord says His people will be repaid “for the years the locusts have eaten.” I not only believe that God will continue in His faithfulness to heal you, but that the passage in Joel is a word for you.

  5. Catherine, I accept that word. Thank you ever so much.

  6. John Contabile permalink

    Now that’s some good news, bro! Thanks for sharing…

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