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The Battle Rages

September 5, 2013


“So do not fear, for I Am with you; do not be dismayed, for I Am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.”  Isaiah 41: 10-11

I hate to have to say this, but the PTSD flashbacks have returned with a vengeance.  I have not slept much the last four nights due to the ferocity, duration and sheer volume of these particular flashbacks.  In them I am about 8 years old being repeatedly raped and beaten by my father and his two cousins.  They are so intense that I wake up screaming for help and in a cold sweat.  Once I realize WHEN and WHERE I actually am, I am able to start calling out for Jesus and I begin to pray.  This causes the flashbacks to slowly subside, but I am still somewhat gripped with fear and I have great difficulty falling back to sleep.  Then when I am able to fall back asleep again; the terrifying episode repeats itself in less than an hour.  It is like I am stuck in an endless frightening loop.

The good news is that these are the first significant episodes in seven months.  That is the longest time being relatively flashback free since they first began in 1999.  In fact things have been going so great for me that I am VERY surprised that the PTSD has resurfaced at all.  The Lord has been doing an awesome work in me and His love, grace and truth have been continually flowing through me and then out to others in amazing ways.  This is the most He has used me for evangelism in over 20 years.  I think this is because I have finally embraced my weakness and have fully allowed His strength to carry me.  PTSD brought me to my knees in such a severe manner that it has destroyed most of the pride that inhibited my walk in years past.  

Being locked away in psychiatric units over 25 times for your own safety is quite humbling.  However, in those secure units I found more of Jesus than I ever have in any “church” building or service.  I have lost many things due to PTSD including a promising career…a marriage..friends.. and for a long season my sanity.  All these things and more were stripped away from me until I was almost entirely naked…  And then the most amazing thing happened to me.. beneath all the flashbacks and everything I lost….. HE FOUND ME!  He loved me like no other when I was at my lowest point and He lifted me up so that I could see what He sees in others.  Then He filled my heart with love for those in His Body and for those yet to know Him.  Jesus told me I had value even when stripped of the things that I thought had made me who I was.  Now I view all people as being valuable…no matter their circumstance or situation.  

Because of Jesus and His completed work on the cross…all are now worthy of His love…and I am going to spend the rest of my life showing anyone who will listen that Jesus loves them… and I will do this by simply loving them myself.  Flashbacks or no flashbacks…it doesn’t really matter in the long run as long as Jesus is with me.  Same goes for being free or locked down in a psych unit.  If I had not gone to the unit all those times I would not have been able to bring 19 other suffering souls to Christ.  I think I am learning how to be content in ANY situation.  I hope and pray that my current flashbacks are only a speed bump, but if they are not I can now say with confidence that HIS Grace is sufficient.  He is greater than my fear!  I feel that I am going to be alright.  One thing I have learned the last 2.5 years is that I do not need to fight the flashbacks because Jesus will fight them for me if I stay out of His way.  As always I deeply appreciate your prayers.

Love and…..

Kirk Out !







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  1. Jill permalink

    Praying for you Kirk …

  2. Forgetting what lies behind, we press on to the higher, our Lord Jesus. May you have His perseverance.

    Multiplied blessings brother!

  3. Praying for you Chris, May God overwhelming grace and presence lift you up, and deliver you from these attacks in Jesus name!

    Love you brother.

  4. call me anytime bro, and I Love you

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