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Brokenness And Humility

May 13, 2013


“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 139: 23-24

This has often been my prayer.  I understand that God already knows all things about me, but I want to honor Him by freely opening up and giving Him my full permission to touch me in my most inward places.  I want to surrender all that I am and give Him full reign and rule in both my heart and mind.

Having PTSD means that I know a lot about having anxious thoughts.  At times it seems like my mind is at war with the flashbacks and that I am losing the battle.  However, if I can somehow take captive those negative thoughts for even a moment…it is then that His presence can flood through me and give me peace in my inner being.  I just need to remember to fully breathe in His Holy Spirit and allow Him to actually flow through me in my times of desperate need.

Yes, all of this is much easier said than done.  However, He has promised that He would never leave or forsake me and I have learned to take Him at His word.  I have found that most of the time my level of peace and tranquility is directly related to my level of cooperation and trust in His leading.  However, I have also experienced some rouge flashbacks that dropped in like a violent tornado on a peaceful summer day, seeking to destroy whatever lies in its path.  In those times I find it nearly impossible to help myself and all I can do is cry out for His mercy.  Good news is HE hears me and has come to my aid each and every time these twisters have hit.

 Jesus has brought me a long, long way in these past 14 years of battling and coping with PTSD.  In the first 12 years I was hospitalized frequently due to severe suicidal ideation, but only once in the past 19 months.  Now that I can actually see Jesus invading the flashbacks to comfort and protect me…I expect many wonderful and beneficial changes in my childhood memories.  However, when I look back over the past 14 years I would not change everything…Because in my weakness I was able to lead at least two dozen others to Jesus because of where PTSD took me.  Plus now I have supreme empathy for anyone who struggles with any type of depression or mental illness.  I am now a person who understands brokenness and humility like never before.  Now I only want to serve and help others who find themselves in dire circumstances.  Now, no matter the problem I can say with all confidence that there is truly victory in Jesus.

Love and…..

Kirk Out !



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One Comment
  1. Gary Graham permalink

    Amen Chris! I’ve often said, mercy is looking back on the road travelled and seeing God at every step; Grace, is knowing He was there and continues to be. I appreciate you, your heart, and your friendship. Love you Brother!

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