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September 19, 2012


“Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me.  My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught…….  My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.  Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.”  Psalm 55: 1,2,4

My mind is under severe attack.  I have slept less than 10 hours in the last six days.  PTSD flashbacks of childhood rapes and abuse flood my mind all day long.  Memories of the abuse overwhelm me.  My defenses are running low.  If I do not get some healthy sleep soon I am in big trouble.

This time of year has historically been difficult for me.  Because the first time I was raped was in a pile of fall leaves at the age of 8.  My resources are wearing dangerously thin due to the lack of sleep.  I have not given up hope, but I desperately need Divine intervention. 

My medications get me to sleep pretty well, but after sleeping 2 hours I wake up screaming because of the flashbacks.  In times like this death seems like a welcome alternative.  If I don’t get restorative sleep soon I will surely need to be hospitalized for my own safety.  

As always I am trusting Jesus to intervene.  I know He is not slow in keeping His promise, but times like these surely test my faith.  For over 13 years I have battled with PTSD.  I really wonder how much longer I will have to struggle with the sins of my father.  I look forward to the day when I no longer am troubled by my childhood.

I deeply appreciate everyone who has called or messaged me during this crisis.  Several have suggested that I may be under attack from the enemy due to my boldly speaking the truth in love concerning the church.   All I know is that I need help in overcoming these recent episodes.  If HE would happen to bring me to your heart or mind in these coming days please pray for me?  All your words of encouragement and support here on my blog help me out bunches too.

Love and…..

Kirk Out !


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  1. My family and I are in agreement with you and the Holy Spirit for you to completely possess the victory that Christ has already paid for on your behalf. These issues are elements of spiritual warfare, and we do have authority over all of the power of the enemy in Jesus holy name, amen!!!!

  2. Pam Smith permalink

    We have been praying and do continually pray for you Chris. I agree with Marc, it’s a Spiritual warfare, and I believe the only way to win, is in the Spirit. We are believing for for complete restoration because of the body that was broken for you.

  3. Martin permalink

    Love ya man. Whatever you do, wherever you are, not matter what we discuss, or where our conversations go, I’m your friend. Always.

  4. Jayne bennett permalink

    Always and forever. Love you bro

  5. Praying here, too. You’re not alone. Nope, not even close.

  6. "BK" permalink

    Here’s some more from Psa 55: [16] As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me.
    [17] Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.
    [18] He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: for there were many with me.

    And so I join the ‘many with you’ in prayer and in the flow of love in your direction. I agree with Martin, I am your friend….always. Love, “BK”

    (Whisperings of the Spirit)
    “Who has delivered you? In your time of indecision and trial I ask, Who has delivered you? At any moment when you called, did you feel an absence of care, an emptiness of feeling? No, always you knew I was there!

    “How much I have shared with you through the years. Never, once you became a part of Me, were you ignored or scorned. Can you say that of any other person? Surely, you have had family and friends but their help was not infinite. They also had their moments of doubt and despair.

    “But I, your Lord, was ever present, ever available, ever on call. Always remember that I am there, for when you do, you will find delight in My companionship and the support, strength and wisdom to solve your plight. Your tears will be no more, for the One who cares will be with you.”

  8. Praying as well Chris. I, personally,can’t imagine that your writing what you do about the church would have brought about the renewal of these attacks.
    To me it would be more likely the season triggering off the memories.
    Just hit rock bottom myself a week ago and in that, and the getting really honest with God about how I felt, I had a real breakthrough. The difference is amazing. Praying the same for you.

    • "BK" Zimmer permalink

      An excellent observation, Sandra. I have known Chris for many years now and whether is speaking out on ‘issues’ or not, this is the season that has yet to pass without incident for him.
      Glad to hear of your breakthrough. When people tell my husband, “I had a nervous breakdown” his answer is, “That’s GREAT! God can do alot through a breakdown.” I’ve found it so. Thanks again for your post.

  9. Thanks BK. What I thought about since yesterday is the way God has had my husband and I on. He allows the pressure to build with circumstances until we finally get in touch with all the feelings we have repressed and let them out, graciously or . most often. not!
    We have found that when the explosion of feelings erupt, things will change and there will be a death of sorts and also a birth.,
    Dear Chris, I know this may seem impossible to you right now, in what you are going through, but we have experienced that God will only allow the feelings to come when we are strong enough to feel them and reach out to Him in the midst of them, even if it is, as most often the case with me, in raging and hatred and abuse to him. He is big enough and loving enough to deal with my honesty and He knows what is there, even when I won’t admit it to myself.
    I am strongly reminded of a 2 year old temper tantrum when I let fly, and God holds me and also cries with me. and loves me through it all and says ‘This is no surprise to Me. I knew these things were buried deep inside and now you know it too, I can deal with it.’
    I have experienced the love and tenderness of God most of all in my llife when things have finally got so bad I can’t pretend to myself or anyone else, any more about how I feel..
    That’s when the changes happen.
    Still praying Chris. Bessings

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