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Standing

May 24, 2012

Greetings,

Our brother Paul wrote:

“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us.  On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers.  Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.                     2 Corinthians 1: 8-11

I have come to believe that I live out this passage almost everyday of my life.  My hardship is dealing with PTSD and related flashbacks from being sexually abused and raped by my father.  The flashbacks do put me under great pressure that is far beyond my ability to endure.  Because of this sometimes I despair of life, even to the point of suicidal thoughts and several suicide attempts over the past 13 years.  My last attempt was over a year ago.  The flashbacks drain the life out of me and make it difficult for me to stand firm, but yet He still continues to deliver me and cause me to stand well beyond my own ability.

Depending on myself and my own strength to fight the flashbacks is never enough, so I have learned to surrender and depend upon God to deliver me from my peril.  As the years go by the intensity and duration of the flashbacks have been greatly minimized most of the time and I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that this is because of the prayers of my many friends and co-laborers in Christ.  It has come to the point that many times in my struggles I can literally feel the prayers of the saints going up on my behalf.  Most of the time I am comforted in knowing “that this too shall pass”.

Today I am thankful for His grace and for the many fellow Christ followers who are standing with me during my ongoing struggles with my childhood and past.  I have several trips coming together over the next several months that I would appreciate prayers for?  I am taking these trips to encourage others and in turn to be encouraged myself.  In early July I am heading to the final Cornerstone Festival in Illinois.  After that I hope to travel to Washington state for some fellowship.  Then in early fall I have been asked to come to the New Orleans area in hopes of planting a new relational housechurch there.  I would also love to take a road trip to Baltimore with my son this summer.  If you live near any of these areas and would like to meet face to face please contact me because I love meeting new people who are on the journey out of religion and into Relationship.  Again, I cannot tell you just how much I appreciate all of your prayers and support.

Love and ……

Kirk Out !

P.s.  Talking about my struggles seems to help me and others quite a bit.  We are only as sick as our secrets.  I just hope I am not talking about them too much on this blog.  Beyond the prayers EMDR therapy has also helped me to be able to manage the flashbacks in a positive manner a good deal of the time.  As always your feedback and comments are deeply appreciated.

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2 Comments
  1. We’re in Raleigh, and if you ever come this way, you have a place to stay (OK, an inflatable mattress, but good food).

    Yes, you talk about your struggles too much. Two sorts of people might think this. The first hasn’t experienced anything like this, so they have nothing to compare and to draw out compassion. I remember when I was 17, I had never had a headache. My sister often complained of them, and I thought she was a baby. At 18, I started getting devastating migraines. “OH, that’s what you meant?” I told her, and apologized.

    The other type have experienced something along these lines. They deal with it by denial, so to have someone talking openly brings a strong negative reaction. At first. Then, some of them realize they have been trying to make their problem go away by denying it, and admit that it comes out in so many other detrimental ways. One day, they may share their own pain and begin to heal, also.

    Just be you my friend. “As in water, face answereth to face, so the heart of man to man.”

  2. "BK" Zimmer permalink

    Amen, Chris. “Just be you.” Good advice, full of life. “BK”

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