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Rescued Again

May 12, 2012

Greetings,

“Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”    Psalm 91: 14-16

Wow!  I take great comfort in these words.  Most of you know about my ongoing struggles with PTSD and related flashbacks from being sexually abused by my father when I was a young child.  That internal battle has been raging again in these last few weeks and it is only by the grace of God that I am still here.  Yes, I have contemplated suicide again recently to finally end the flashbacks, but Jesus seems to have other plans for me.  He intervened and flooded my memories with love and peace.  Because of Him I am still standing and ready to face another day.

Some will certainly ask, how can a Christian ever see suicide as a viable option?  That is a fair question to ask and I can’t answer for anyone else who has had suicidal thoughts, but for me having to re-live that childhood terror and trauma over and over again just becomes too much for my heart and mind to bear.  When I am flooded and overwhelmed with those negative memories for days on end, it takes me to a place so exhausting, dark and ominous that there doesn’t seem to be anyway out except to end my life.  I know this is not good and proper thinking, but it is my reality on some days.  Thankfully Jesus always seems to rescue me from those most turbulent times.

I would not wish my affliction on anyone else, but there has also been benefit to my madness.  I think that suffering through the flashbacks these past 13 years has drawn me closer to Jesus than I ever was before.  I utterly need and depend on Him.  Plus in my life and work as a counselor it has given me much empathy and understanding for the struggles that other people go through.  In accepting my own difficulties I am also drawn to others who suffer and I am more able to accept and serve them than in times past.

Because He loves me I am able to press forward in this life regardless of my shortcomings.  I am also beginning to understand that because I love Him and have relationship with Him that He rescues and protects me.  When I call upon His name He answers me and when I am in trouble He is always there for me.  We all have struggles and shortcomings, but no matter what they may be, Jesus accepts and loves us just as we are.  I needed to reaffirm that today. For both me and you.  So here I am pouring out my heart to you all again.  If it were not for Jesus and the many Christ followers praying for me I might not be able to make it through most days, but here I am today and I am thankful.

Love and….

Kirk Out !

p.s. And please let me know how I can be praying for you too?

 

 

 

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5 Comments
  1. The idea that Christians shouldn’t ever be suicidal ranks right up there with Christians should never have the blues (and in the words of Barry McGuire, never sing the Blues either). Now I dig a lot of Barry’s old hippie tunes; but Jesus-following Blues Master Glenn Kaiser sez: “57 of the 150 Psalms are “Songs of Lament”. Believers, even ones who got their names in the Bible, get the blues. And if I were to interpret 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 like many Bible commentators, ‘Saint’ Paul and his buddies went through a trial so horrible even they may have contemplated suicide. Here it is verbatim (NKJV version this time around) “For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the gift granted to us through many.” You don’t want to believe Paul was considering suicide? You have to at least acknowledge that he was in a bad place and was not exhibiting behavior expected of a “VICTORIOUS, SPIRIT-FILLED MA-AN OF GAWD”. No, we have our times of deepest sorrow and we are not alone. Dark night of the soul, anyone? In these times, God IS our strength, obviously because we ain’t got no strength to get by on our own. Listen, I don’t even believe that old line that a believer who commits suicide goes directly to…DO NOT PASS GO…but goest directly to Hell. God knows our hearts. And He is a God of mercy, compassion and love. Final thought: Isaiah 53 tells us that our Lord, our Messiah, Himself was a man of many sorrows. God understands us, even and perhaps ESPECIALLY when we’re at our personal lowest. LOVE YOU CHRIS. In your transparency and frank honesty, you are an inspiration to me. – Gary Zanow (fellow sufferer in the deepest depths of darkness)

  2. Gary, Great words my brother. I appreciate you! Love, Christopher

  3. Trevor permalink

    when I’m feeling down, I need to gravitate toward God’s word. I meditate on the 23rd Psalm, for example.

    another thing is that I’ve learned that these feelings are only temporary, and if I just wait long enough, they will change. – the sun will come out again.

    It’s hard to imagine feeling well again, when you are in the black, but it’s like the weather in michigan…wait a while. Then next day I often feel better. or maybe it’s a few days. until then, i try to meditate. and that get’s me through.

    we are not tempted beyond that which we are able, and He will always provide a way of excape.
    again, hard to believe, but so importanat to hang on to, and hang on tight in those moments.

    • I hear you Trevor, and agree God’s word can and, ultimately, *does* help believer’s like you and me get through times of darkness; but speaking as a Christian with Clinical Depression, PTSD and Bipolar, the lows I experience can last for weeks or more at a time. Temporary, yes, in light of Eternity; but when the darkness continues for days, weeks and even months it gets really hard for me to convince myself that if I just wait long enough, things are guaranteed to get better. Kind of like Narnia before Aslan was on the move…always Winter and never Christmas.

      Speaking for myself, when the darkness continues with no end in sight, their is nothing more beneficial to me than having friends come up alongside of me, and stand with me for the duration, until things finally get better.

      Not contradiciting you, sir, not at all…just clarifying that for some of us, the darkness can last much longer than even the typical change we’ve all come to expect in seasonal weather. Always Winter, man. Been there, and it sucks.

      Love in Christ. – Gary Z

  4. There is a balm in Gilead; is there is a physician here. Weather we are healed and rejoice, or receive grace to endure we rejoice. We shall rejoice in the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord. My ex-wife suffered from depression, fibromyalgia, head aches, and was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. After praying and 13 years of seeing every kind of physician I could find. One day Jesus told me that he was healing her. Sure enough she went off all of her meds, no more docs, and no more pain. Then she divorced me, which turned out to be the plan of God. Today she is healed from all aspects of her mental illness and physical pain, except the Border Line Personality. I think that condition remains as it was childhood abandonment that set that whole issue in motion. But to say, today she is highly functional and some what happy.
    God can and will do anything, we will be praying that Jesus walks into the rooms of your pain, meets with you there and delivers you. Short time or long, healing is coming.
    Marc

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