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The Voyage Home

December 1, 2011

Greetings,

Some of you know this, some of you don’t.  I just got back to my apartment after having to spend 2 nights in the hospital due to my PTSD and related flashbacks.  I started having a new flashback Saturday night and because of that I only got about 3 hours sleep in 4 days.  Let me tell you, sleep deprivation makes you real crazy, real fast.  The new flashback was very intense.  In it I was raped in the pitch black dead of night and all I could hear was my earthly fathers voice saying, “If you make any noise or tell anyone about this I will kill your mother.”   I am thinking I was like 10 years old when this occurred.  It was savage and very manipulative.  Because I wanted this flashback to go away forever I did indeed contemplate suicide, but I went and got help before I could further develop that plan.

It seems that these attacks of PTSD are worse when I really stand up for Jesus and say bold things against the modern traditional church and the Clergy class.  I might be wrong, but it sure feels that way.  Anyhow they rearranged my sleep meds and gave me a shot of geodon and because of that, and all the prayers I have been receiving, I slept a good 20 hours the last two days.

When I was awake and alert and even as I slept I kept hearing what sounded like a Psalm.  The first thing I did when I got back to my apartment was try to find that Psalm.  It turns out it was  Psalm 3 and it goes like this:

“O Lord how many are my foes!  How many rise up against me!  Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.”  But You are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.  To The Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill.  I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because The Lord sustains me.  I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.  Arise O Lord!  Deliver me O my God!  Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked.  From The Lord comes deliverance.  May your blessing be on your people.”

Amazing words that totally apply to my circumstance.  Even though I struggle Jesus is with me and He continues to bring me through the wreckage of my horrible childhood and past.  I have never totally given up on Him even though I get suicidal at times, and I know that He has never given up on me.  Thanks to everyone out there who has supported, encouraged and prayed for me.  I deeply appreciate all of you, and in my life you make a HUGE difference.  Know this my friends, I sincerely pray for all of you and hope my words and actions encourage you too.

Love and ……

Kirk Out !

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7 Comments
  1. digirieze permalink

    Glad you’re back home. In the past I’ve seen a lot of self-serving, manipulative practices within “traditional” church leadership. Reading your post makes me wonder if dealing with one can bring up bad memories of the other, If so, then these manipulative leaders are hurting the church in more ways than one.

  2. George Medders permalink

    Chris
    Glad your doing better. If the PTSD attacks are happening when you say bold things against the traditional church and clergy I would consider not saying them anymore..

    You can stand up for Jesus without say things about the church or clergy. I’m sure our Lord can handle the shortcomings in the traditional church. I have always felt like when we attack others for there shortcomings it opens the door for us to be attacked.

    No one is perfect and I understand that you have been hurt by some clergy and traditional church members, but like I said give them to the Lord and let him deal with it. Hope this does not offend you but I want you to be healthy.
    I should have told you sooner but the lord had gave me a strong desernment about your position against the church and the things you said. It always made me feel unconfortable. not because it wasn’t true or that I didn’t agree with you but just because it did not sound like something that Jesus would do. Why? because Many of The brothers and sisters in those churches are Spirit filled believers, not all of them but many. I understand we all don’t agree on certain things but Love is a much greater tool for helping others see the truth than being negative toward them. as much as I love you I can honestly tell you that the desernment about this issue is not from me or just my feelings but from our Lord. I don’t understand it because I really personally don’t care if you say things about the traditional church and clergy, in fact I agree with some issues but I think its very dangerous. and it does open doors for you to be attacked. We are in spiritual warfare and those demons can use anything to attack us. just pray about it and give it a try. I love ya!

  3. George, as always I will pray about it. But I do not oppose the traditional church because of any wounds or hurt from it or the Clergy. I oppose it because HE does and I must surrender to HIM regardless of what it may cost me. Ephesians 5:11 says ..”Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” Whenever I speak or write I desire that it be HE that speaks through me and not any speaking of my own. Is whatever I write 100% HIM, no, try as I might to avoid it, it is always mixed with me. Hopefully though I will decrease so that He may increase. Thanks George, I love you…. Christopher

  4. Jill permalink

    Praying for you, Chris! That is an awesome psalm. A friend wrote a song based on that psalm a few years ago. Now that it’s in my head, I’ll be singing it as a prayer for you over here. You’re going to make it. So glad you haven’t given up. Glad you’re home.
    Jill

  5. J C Veramu permalink

    It’ has been a very long time since I read a testimony like this that spoke from deep within the heart about personal challenges and how the Lord is always there for us through thick and thin.
    Thank God for your life and Ministry and may you be a blessing through your blogs, your writings and Ministry.
    Very afffriming and really made my day.
    God bless

  6. Duane permalink

    It is cool that God gives you these messages and words to help you from the Bible. You know I will pray for you. I think you must of had some control over the older memories that is why you got new ones. Your memories are like an onion. I know you will get to a point where you will be over this. God is greater then your past, these memories, and the evil that causes all this. Much love brother!!!

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